A1c

I went to the doctor last week and my a1c has come down 2 pts. I am happy about this, but also apprehensive. I am afraid that my insulin and increased control is going to cause weight gain. I have been obsessing over this thought since my appointment. It plagues me. Every time I take insulin I just want to scream.

I guess the good news is that I am still giving insulin despite this overwhelming feeling. I had a low blood sugar this morning and accidentally slept through my morning calculus class. I was very upset by this mistake or unfortunate event. I needed to be in class today and I needed to take the quiz, but I couldn't be there b/c of blood sugar. This is when I hate diabetes the most; when it gets in the way of my functioning in life. I mean it does it quite often, so I am upset with diabetes most of the time.

Goals and dreams

I dream of a lower a1c. I dream of running a marathon and competing in a triathlon. I dream of day when I can manage my diabetes.

I went to the doctor this week and my a1c has come down 2 pts. I went from 13 to 11. I know. It's still out of range, but I'm working on it.

I think I mentioned that I switched to shots again. I'm not happy with the switch. I think I've gained weight from changing, but I know it's only temporary if I watch what I eat and my blood sugars.

I have been doing a lot of research on the effect that insulin has on cells. I have come up with a few theories or ideas. Insulin allows the cells to take in glucose for storage. When a person has an excess amount of insulin in the blood stream the cells go from processing fatty acids to only processing glucose. This means that when my blood sugar drops it's like a normal person going into starvation mode....where the body turns everything eaten into fat storage. That's why I have come to the conclusion that it is vitally important for me to only take in simple sugars when I go low and the minimum amount of sugar. If I have a large snack or something more I that food I eat will be turned into fat storage automatically.

The information that I have found regarding insulin's effect on the body is a little worrisome for me. I hate the fact that what saves me from death also causes a war in my head over body size and shape.

I am trying to keep up with blood sugars and insulin despite this knowledge. This might be unhealthy, but I continue to tell myself that my body cannot turn food into fat if it's not getting an excess amount of food. The key is to exercise, eat healthy, and take insulin.

This is not impossible. I refuse to believe that it's impossible to be an athlete and a student and a regular person while still managing diabetes.

best wishes

the switch

I went from the pump to shots today. I was nervous. I am nervous. I feel a strange attachment to this device. I want it but I hate it.

I missed class today b/c I was so anxious about the change. I hate change. I want stability, but I seek stability in things that are inherently unstable. I know it doesn't make much sense. I also believe that one cannot stop a behavior without replacing it with something else. So in lieu of my recent change of treatment, I have decided to begin preparing my body for a marathon for the 2012 season. I know it's going to take me a little while to get my body in better shape and better health. I know that it's going to test and try me, but I need something to work towards.

I have the support and the drive. I know plenty of people who are doing this and succeeding at this....I can do it too! I know I can.

Today, I'm going to test and work out and fulfill the basic needs of my body.

Here goes nothing.

The only way for me to change, to succeed in this endeavor is to depend on the people God has placed in my life, appreciate the body and the life God has given me, and to rely on His love through it all.

My heavenly Father is my everything....He's saved me from myself and from my self destruction.

I am thankful today

Update:

I think I have had a pretty good day. I've tested over 6 or 7 times and all scores have

been in range. I guess I'm saying this to say that this is a bit weird for me. I feel happy in

a sense but also afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep it up. I know that I just need to go moment by moment

but sometimes the moments compound and I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed right now. I feel scared about the effects that the

insulin will have on me. Am going to gain a lot of weight? That's always a concern for me. I just don't know.

moving forward

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the tender age of 7. I have spent most of my life fighting against the disease; hating it with every cell in my body. I get up each day with the same goals: test my blood sugar, take insulin, exercise, and eat something. I rarely reach these goals.

Up to this point I would not consider myself to manage the disease successfully. I know how; that's never been the issue. I am plagued by the need to be free and live a normal life and the knowledge that I can never be entirely free due to diabetes. I have tried to ignore my diabetes with the hope that I would enjoy my life more, that has been a futile attempt at happiness and freedom. The consequences of not managing the disease have begun to out weigh the benefit of ignoring it. There were times that I forgot I had diabetes because I would go so long without checking my blood sugar or giving insulin. I won't deny that in some ways that was really nice. It was nice to feel normal, but something clawed at the back of my mind. A thought that turned into a monster. The thought that despite my feeling of freedom I was not truly free. The thought that one day the bad decisions would catch up with me and I would have to face the truth--- I have diabetes.

My path with diabetes is moving in a new direction. For the past two years, I have been seeking better medical advice and going a little further in my journey to live with diabetes and accept it.

I need an outlet. I need a place where I can talk about the daily struggle I have with diabetes. One might think that it's easy to talk about the hard decisions and circumstances that accompany this disease, but that's not quite the case for many reasons. People in the world do not understand the difficulty in managing diabetes and they don't have compassion for people who do not manage it well (for the most part). It seems simple enough, I'm sure, from an outsiders perspective, but it's not. Imagine being given a range of numbers to keep your body in everyday. The number itself is affected by 100 + variables: exercise, hormones, stress, insulin injection site, temperature, sleep, hydration, food, type of food, human error, depression, excitement....anything in the world you can think of probably effects this number. The number is used to judge you. You are either a good diabetic or a bad diabetic or somewhere in the middle. You will often hear "oh, that's a good number, good job....or oooh no, that's a bad, number we have to do something about this." There is never a day that is like the day before. The numbers always change. If did exactly the same thing as I did the day before....I mean like in an extreme situation where I could mimic everything I did....the numbers would still be different.

The nature of the disease and the social misunderstanding of it, make it incredibly difficult to manage. Not impossible, but really hard.

Okay, so now that I've established the difficulty. I will say that I am attempting to live my life and do everything I dream of, as well as manage diabetes. I should preface that I have an incredible team of doctors and nurses and support. Otherwise, there would be no way for me to achieve my goals.

To revamp my efforts towards control, I will going from an insulin pump to injections this week. I am nervous about the transition. I have been on my pump for over 6 years, but I know I need a change. I have formed bad habits with the insulin pump and I haven't been able to break these habits.

Today: I have given insulin and taken my blood sugars. I'm proud of this fact. I have messaged my nurse the numbers. So far so good.